I just got kicked to the curb and now I'm "officially" single and wow this is more work than I exp ected. So I kind of accidentally joined this dating site.. Apparently my bandwidth would be excellent if I not only signed up for Cemetary Plots R Us but also if I signed up for Sex on Toast, the dating site I'm telling you about. So I did because I'm a smart consumer. But I just kind of signed on the dotted line and off I went to investigate my future his and hers burial plot and never gave Sex on Toast another thought. Well maybe one and that was "Whatever."
Next time I looked in my online mailbox, I was petrified with fear. There must have been, well, lets put it this way "more than I can count on my fingers" number of emails. So I got the hot steam going, lifted the edge of the envelope carefully and peeked inside.I-Luv-Sex-When-I-Hear-Barry-Manilow" wants to talk to you"; "My-Other-Car-Is-A-Honda" liked your essay; "I-Have-A-Mildew-Fetish" likes your picture; "I-Like-Veal" wants to tie you up and have many children.
I was like "whoa" and they were all like "hey baby how you doin?" and I was like "whoa" and they were all winking and stuff. So I thought well maybe I should answer their prayers.
Wrong! I opened something better left alone. So I slammed the browser closed as hard as I could, but their emails just kept pounding against the inside of the box and all the commotion and everything was really unnerving. I fluffed my hair, composed myself and with a big stick in my hand flung the browser back open and said "Look here, don't move, just listen " They were a little unsure and sat coiled and ready to spring but still they sat while I gave them what for. I told them I wasn't really in the market for dating and carried a lot of Samsonite, thought men were demons from hell, however, if they still weren't deterred well I'd give them an address in the Netherlands to reach me and I'd be sure I picked it up sometime in the near future.
Men are relentless. They love it when you give them a run for their money. I got a phone call from the post master in the Netherlands saying "Look you are going to have to do something about this overflowing mailbox of yours." To be honest I didn't even know the Netherlands got mail. I was just kidding.
OK, OK, I'll do it. So I ventured out on my first date. Now I"ll do Denny's with the best of them, but the first date? Aren't you supposed to impress me on the first date? Hmmmmm....he must have missed that lesson. So now we are in Denny's and I'm eating something I can't identify due to the 8 oz's of barbecue sauce they have covered it in and my date says to me "Yeah, I go to "The Restaurant of The Month" and my favorite is the alligator. Looks like he wants my attention, so I politely inquire as to "Alligator?". "Well, isn't that swell, so pray tell what does alligator taste like?" His response? "Chicken". I think about this for a minute and I say to this knower of all foreign delicacies "Why don't you just order chicken?" I don't think I'll be able to get the spaghetti sauce he spit out of my shirt no matter how many times I Shout it out. Well, I got the definite impression he didn't like my attitude, because I haven't heard back from him yet.
As for the ex of the month he too is confused as to his new role and how he should play it. Breaking up by definition means going your seperate ways, not living together, not having to abide by the others expectations and being able to date others freely without repercussion. Doesn't it? No what breaking up means to a man is," I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either lest you have a good time." Hmmmm.... Another life lesson missed. Next words from him? "So was the sex any good and did I mention I got layed last night?"
I'm just wondering why I didn't break up with him two days before we met.
. Well the good news is that my second attempt was worthy of not insulting. Dinner, shopping, the casino and ssshhhhhhh a suite. If he was trying to impress me he gets an A. He gets to go to round 2. As for any other contacts, real or virtual I'm thinking geez there sure must be a better way of doing this. Had a few IM's and I am not sure of the protocol but no hand shaking, "gee how are you" necessary, its straight to the point, "What kind of sex are you on?" Waste not , want not. I'm working on my comeback.
What do you think of "I'm looking for the perfect sperm donor cuz I can't wait for the birth of my seventh child and the chance to bring him home to my trailer park, and don't worry my step-father only drinks at home because that way he'll be closer to my mom when he wants to well you know..... and I'm going to name him after you so that the welfare people can get to your bank account without any problems because you know the kids is going to need a lot of stuff and so what time are you picking me up?" Yeah I think that's it, and if they keep emailing, instant messaging or anything cyber after that well, damn, I just might marry them.
Written by Katherine Bourgerie
